Need advice for your love life? Can't get a stain out of your pants? Want to find a good deal on sweaters online? Looking for mommy? Here is your chance to consult the oracle of the Jazzhorse. Submit your questions and the Jazzhorse just might publish the answer online! Perhaps!

 

Send your inquiry to help@jazzhorse.com

 

Previous Inquiries:

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Dear Jazzhorse,

Why do all the kids at school hate me? My mommy says
it is because I am smarter than them and nothing to do
my eating boogers and stuff. What do you think?

Sincerely,

Lil' Skippy

Dear Lil,

There are many possible answers to your question, all of which are
impossible to determine without knowing you better. Let's dig deeper and see
if we can narrow it down.

First of all, you specifically ask why the kids hate you. Hate is a very
powerful emotion. It is much stronger than mere repulsion, or contempt.
Merriam - Webster defines hate as the following: a : intense hostility and
aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury b : extreme
dislike or antipathy : LOATHING <had a great hate of hard work>.

Based upon consideration of the meaning of hate we can ask the question,
"what causes a person to hate?" The answer based on our defintion is fear,
anger, or a sense of injury. For example, Hitler was afraid of the jews. His
fear of them manifested itself as hatred, causing him to exterminate them.
The jews were caused great injury by Hitler, invoking in them a reciprocal
hatred. This 'circle of hate' as we like to call it is very much a factor in
the evolution of our society. You might say, metaphorically, that hate makes
the world go 'round.


This brings us back to your original question, "Why do the kids at school
hate me?" The answer is elementary (pun intended). Either they are afraid of
you, or you have done something horrible. Neither case shines very favorably
upon you, I am sorry to say. Your mother postulated that the children hate
you because you are smarter than them. Unfortunately, that is not correct.
History shows us that people who are smart are fully within their power to
be liked or disliked as they choose. Jimmy Carter is a very smart man, and
he is well liked. Richard 'Dick' Cheney possesses a Machiavellian-like
intellect, and he is widely disliked; much to his own choosing. If you are
smarter than the other children then you already know the answer to your
question, which is, the children do not like you because you do not want
them to like you - and when it serves you to have them like you they will be
manipulated to do so like so many marionettes.

There is also the possibility that you are insane. However, we do not count
people who suffer from insanity among the smart, although being smart often
is what lead them to becoming insane.

Chances are most likely that the children hate you because you have wronged
them, or that they sense your potential to do so. Your social deviancy has
caused them to shun you, and you have become an outcast. Society hates
outcasts. I do not know you personally, so I can not tell you what you have
done to these poor children to make them so afraid of you. I could use my
mystical powers to observe the situation, but I choose not too. I am a
benevolent creature of magic, and I do not wish to be tarnished by your foul
reputation. Perhaps if you look within yourself you can find the answer to
why they hate you. Remember, self discovery is the key to self improvement!

--jh

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Where is mommy?
- Yodzilla

Mommy is at home, baking puddin’.

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I really like a girl that works in the coffeehouse on the corner, but I do
not know how to approach her. Can you tell me what I should do?
Perhaps the jazzhorse could compose a witty response?
-Caffeinated and Confused


J H:
There appear to be two questions here, however, the second question is both
a grammatical fragment and a slap in the face. If it is a question, then it
should contain a clause phrasing it as such. But no, it does not appear to
be a question at all. In fact, it looks to be a thinly veiled command –
appended with a completely inappropriate question mark to give it the
passive aggressive guise of politeness. But the jazzhorse does not play your
games – oh no – he is far too sly for that!

If you are going to suggest that I compose a witty response, why stop there?
Why not ‘tell’ me to eat a bowl of monkey shit, or dance on my head? As long
as we are giving me commands – why not see how far you can take this
humiliating game of domination, you pathetic little power-tripping fuck? I
am a god – damned magical beast who traverses the inner dimensional planes
of consciousness! Are you so filled with loathsome hubris as to assume that
you can throw me commands like some piss soaked lackey? My existence is
cloaked in mystery, and my actions are far too complex for your puny mind to
understand. The only reason I have chosen to grace you with a response is to
show my sincere displeasure with your subordinate meddlings. Be grateful
that I have chosen to show mercy this time.

As for your first question:
Slip a note in her tip jar. If she does not call the police – you’re in!